A Dish Best Served Cold

As part of the ritual of welcoming spring, I always like to clean my closets, which I mean both literally and figuratively. There is nothing like the cathartic feeling of emptying the clutter and dust bunnies from your life that have accumulated over the past couple of seasons (or God forbid, years). Now I do realize that life does not always present us with the opportunities or incentives accomplish this task on a spiritual level. It is undoubtedly much easier for us to spot the accumulation of old baggage in the hall closet than it is to spot the equivalent in our heads. However, life did indeed present an opportunity for me to rid myself of some of the detritus I was hanging onto recently and I seized upon the chance like a lioness on a gazelle. And, I must tell you that I feel much better for it.

One thing that 98% of the people I have met in my life have in common is that they seem to all share some version of a story of heartache from a romantic relationship gone sour. If they weren’t literally left at the altar or abandoned in divorce court, they have at least in some way, at some point in time, been unceremoniously dumped for some younger, cuter, smarter version of themselves. As a result, most people have permanent scars on their self-esteem. They wish they could erase the feelings of self-doubt that accompany those memories and never, EVER allow themselves to think about the person that caused them again. But somewhere in the tiny corners of their mind, they just can’t let go. I am no exception to any of these human failings.

As you might know, my website launched in conjunction with the publication of my book in February. I have literally put myself on display in cyberspace and as a result have been contacted by several people I haven’t heard from in years (all part of the magic of the information age). A person from the aforementioned ‘love dumper’ category just happened to be one of those people. Needless to say, there is nothing quite like having the door of one of those mental closets you had hoped had been permanently sealed off forced wide open. However, once the initial shock subsided, I was able to collect my thoughts and write to him. I hope what follows is an inspiration to you all. I have changed the names and some minor details to protect the guilty.

Dear Pete:
Wow! What a shock to hear from you after all these years! I can’t believe it, especially since our mutual acquaintance, Sarah, told me that the last she had heard you had gone half insane from some sort of horrific venereal infection. What a relief to hear that she was mistaken. Don’t worry, I didn’t share that information with anybody else with the exception of Beth Erickson from our old high school (who as you might remember was the editor of the newspaper, voted class gossipmonger, and now authors the alumni newsletter. But she assures me that she has mended her ways).

What have I been up to the past 25 years? Well, wow, that is a long story! Where do I begin? Well, as you can see from the website, I am now an award-winning author. I know, go figure. Life has just been exceptionally good to me for some reason.

Shortly after you decided to end our relationship, I found out that some distant relative aunt (who I had never even heard of) left me a small fortune (well—small—that’s what I’d like the IRS to believe at any rate)! So I actually spent quite a few years after college just globe-trotting and living the good life! It’s really so liberating to know that no matter what happens, you’re covered financially for life.

Things have been a little weird in the health department however. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare anti-aging disease which is only present in .0000001% of the population (I know, just my luck). Anyway, it does not allow me to age like normal people and as a result, I am destined to look 17 for the rest of my life! It is really weird not getting age spots or wrinkles like my friends. I am actually starting to use a little gray hair dye on myself now and then so I can look a little more mature. You have no idea how annoying it is to still get carded every time I go to purchase a simple bottle of wine!

In addition, try as I may, I have never been able to put on any weight. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be the only one of my high school friends who can still fit into her ninth grade cheerleading uniform? It just isn’t normal. In fact, I just got a call from my photographer friend, Ralph, asking me if I’d be interested in posing for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition AGAIN! I told him that although I really appreciated the sentiment, he really needed to give the younger girls a chance while they still had time.

I did have a real scare with a serious virus I caught several years back which made my breasts swell. They went up two cup sizes and have never returned to normal. I have to have my bras specially made now which as you can imagine is a real pain in the butt. Ah well, we all have our crosses to bear as they say.

I did get married to a wonderful man about fifteen years ago. He is really a prince (well, his country is now defunct so it’s actually just a ceremonial title that is used when we visit the white house). The relationship is great even though he is from old money and I am from new. It all spends the same is what I always say! He is almost everything a girl could want. As an old friend, I feel I can confide however, that he has never quite been able to keep up with me in the bedroom (if you know what I mean). It’s not his fault that I’m so insatiable. Still I must confess that it would be nice if he learned how to kick back and relax American-style once in awhile. I occasionally just prefer just sitting with a few beers in front of the 103” plasma tv and watching the games all day instead of attending to his stinking needs to just talk and cuddle. But no marriage is perfect, right?

Well, my friend. I really have to dash. My publisher just called to say that Oprah called again begging for me to come on and discuss the book. I really should get back to her.

I hope that your life has been all you dreamed it would be the day you walked out on me. I know mine has!

Regards,
Jana

Okay friends, please spare me the emails about the power of mercy and letting go. I am well aware that to forgive is truly divine. But I have to be honest and say that revenge is so much sweeter!!! Feel free to share my blog link with your friends!

Jana Kaspar Barnes is the author of The Adventures of Mom which is now on sale at Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, and Booksamillion.com. Visit her website at jkasparbarnes.com.