Gossip and Empathy

Gossip: a simple word that conjures images of hushed voices, furtive glances, and knowing smirks. For something so commonplace, it carries profound consequences. It bonds some people together while isolating others, leaving us to wonder—is gossip an inherent part of human nature? To answer that, we need to dig into its evolutionary roots, its role in our social structures, and the transformative power of empathy.

Gossip likely evolved as a survival tool in early human communities. Imagine a tight-knit group of hunter-gatherers. Sharing information about who’s trustworthy, who’s selfish, or who’s skilled at hunting would have been vital for the group’s cohesion and survival. In small, interdependent societies, gossip functioned as a way to enforce social norms and ensure accountability.

But in today’s mobile, digital world—where social networks stretch far beyond close-knit communities—gossip has taken on a more toxic form. Without the shared context of knowing the whole person, gossip often morphs into a tool for judgment and exclusion. And character assassination. While the gossip might be viewed as a window to the target’s soul, often times it’s more revealing about the person who gossips.

Why do people gossip? The answer lies in the psychological rewards it offers. Gossip creates bonds. Sharing a negative judgment can make people feel closer, as in, “Oh, he smokes." "Yes, what a terrible choice." "I would never do that!” This moral superiority reinforces their connection. Gossip also simplifies the complex social world, creating an illusion of understanding and control. By labeling others, people momentarily boost their self-esteem, comparing themselves favorably to the target. It feels so empowering.

These benefits come at a cost: the isolation and dehumanization of the target. Research suggests that individuals who experience four or more Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are significantly more likely to engage in behaviors like smoking. Having a high ACE score might start to explain not only why someone smokes, but also why they they might do (other) drugs, struggle with depression, encounter a variety of health issues, or endure episodic bouts with mental distress. 

But instead of empathizing with these struggles, an inexperienced or ignorant gossip often moralizes them. The target becomes a scapegoat for others’ insecurities. The target is punished for the gossips' taste for judgement under conditions of ignorance or indolence toward understanding. Judging and blaming is so much easier. And it’s so fun to contribute something juicy to a gossip circle. And THAT invites more trouble for the person, which results in even more juicy stories to share.

Empathy disrupts the cycle of judgment and isolation. But empathy isn’t automatic; it requires effort and maturity. Many people who consider themselves mature lack the capacity to empathize because they’re stuck in a “blame game” mindset. 

Gossip doesn’t just harm individuals; it erodes trust and social cohesion. When gossip isolates a target, it creates an “us vs. them” dynamic, discouraging others from associating with the target for fear of being ostracized themselves. Rejection is painful. If the first introduction to a person is the gossip you heard, you will never really get to know that person.

Empathy is the antidote for toxic gossip. How can we counteract gossip and foster empathy? It starts with small, intentional actions. When someone shares gossip, gently redirect the conversation. For example, “I don’t know their full story, so I’d rather not judge. What else is going on?” Practicing empathy means imagining the target’s perspective—what challenges might they be facing? What happened to them? What did they go through? Do you know how much pathologizing gossip preceded the trouble you heard about and what impact it had on the person’s life? Can you even imagine?

When we attempt to theorize about the possible explanations for someone's behavior, we often fall into the trap of oversimplifying. It's tempting to create a narrative that fits neatly into our existing worldview or to find a reason that aligns with our biases. However, empathy requires us to hold space for uncertainty and complexity, which means acknowledging that we may never fully understand why someone acts the way they do.

Empathy isn't about having all the answers; it's about being willing to sit with the questions, to refrain from judgement if for no other reason than for the sake of intellectual humility. It’s recognizing that human behavior is shaped by a vast array of factors—past trauma, societal pressures, internal struggles—that we may never be privy to. The more we try to reduce someone's actions to a single cause, or to something we can understand, the more we close ourselves off to the possibility of deeper understanding.

To truly empathize, we must be open to the idea that there is no simple explanation. Instead of trying to “fix” someone or label them based on our limited perspective, empathy encourages us to approach others with curiosity, to ask questions like: "What could they be going through?" "What unseen factors might be influencing their behavior?" By accepting that there are layers to every person’s story, we make room for compassion rather than judgment.

This doesn't mean we should blindly excuse harmful behavior or ignore patterns of mistreatment. Rather, it means resisting the urge to judge before we understand. Empathy calls us to engage with the full complexity of another's experience, even if we can't fully comprehend it. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing we can do is acknowledge our limitations and say, “I don’t know their whole story, but I’m willing to listen and try to understand.”

Judging in absence of understanding merely reveals a taste for judgment. If that’s the role you choose, then own it. But let’s be clear: you’re not fixing anything, and you’re not helping anyone—except yourself. You’re helping yourself to a brief elation, feeding on the momentary satisfaction of contributing to a gossip circle, all at someone else’s expense. Isn’t it fun?

If exercising empathy seems irrelevant or impossible to you, maybe you could pin a note to your lapel that reads, "Please don't share gossip with me. I lack the maturity to empathize, or any desire to understand, so I can't help but pass judgement and invite others to do the same.”

Social media amplifies the reach and impact of gossip, often turning it into public shaming. Platforms incentivize outrage and judgment, making it easier than ever to dehumanize others. Instead of wondering or asking, “What’s wrong with that guy?” try wondering or asking, “How is that guy regarded and treated by the people in his orbit? How has he been treated in the past?”

Imagine a world where empathy replaces judgment, where people understand that factors like ACEs shape behavior, and where gossip is replaced by meaningful conversations, active listening, and mindfulness. It’s not an unattainable ideal; it’s a choice we can make, individually and collectively.

In your own life, you might recall a moment when someone extended empathy instead of judgment. Perhaps it was a teacher who saw your potential despite a bad grade or a friend who stood by you when others gossiped. These moments remind us of what’s possible when we choose compassion over condemnation.

Gossip is a deeply ingrained social behavior becoming increasingly toxic by our mobile, digital world. By fostering empathy and challenging judgment, we can create environments where people feel valued rather than vilified. Change begins with a simple shift: the next time you hear gossip, ask yourself, “What’s the story I’m not hearing?” In that moment, you open the window of empathy—and with it, the possibility for growth and understanding.

Understand that the best help for the person isn’t going to come from periodically visiting a therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist. The best help would come from the people encountered everyday in the person’s orbit. But if they’re too busy talking about the person instead of to the person, pathologizing the person, or suggesting professional help to “heal” or “fix” the person, understand how and why the person’s problems persist. 

The best help might just be genuine acceptance by the people in the person’s orbit. Maybe think of it as immersive therapy. That acceptance can’t be faked; it comes from genuine empathy and understanding, or least enough intellectual humility to genuinely refrain from judging. 

If you want to help, of course the first thing would be to stop gossiping about the person and inviting others to judge. If you can do that, instead of a note on your lapel, a custom button might work, reading “The Hate Stops Here.” Then the person might recognize you as a friendly. Or, consider reaching out and treating the person with the kindness and respect and affability you would like to be treated with.